Post PhD Confirmation blues

Well as mentioned in my last post I was preparing my report and presentation slides for my upcoming PhD Confirmation... which I have now completed! But, all is not as pleasing as I thought it would be.

As my last post alluded to, the report and presentation slides required for my Confirmation were quite substantial, taking up a considerable amount of time and effort to complete. In hindsight I now concede that it was actually quite an invaluable experience as it forced me to really clarify my research much further than I had previously.

After much preparation the presentation day finally came, and thankfully I presented very well indeed. I believe I spoke quite clearly and concisely, my slides looked good, and by the end the audience (of around 20 people) appeared to comprehend my research quite well despite not being in the same field. I got the usual round of questions afterwards; some from researchers questioning some of the technical aspects, some from random people who simply seem set out to ask the trickiest question that they can think of in an attempt to put you on the spot, and then a few from the panel members. Overall I answered quite strongly (except for one question), and I felt pretty good about the ordeal.

Following question time came the feedback from the panel, which while was mostly positive, there was of course some constructive criticism they wanted to share. For some reason hearing them critic my work hit me quite hard. Really hard actually. The criticism wasn't even that damning really, it was mostly about scope where they felt that as it currently stands I risk running out of time, therefore they requested that I narrow my research down and clarify my planned methodology further. Yet despite the fact that criticism was to be expected, and that the criticism that I did receive was fair and I certainly still passed the Confirmation process, for some reason it just felt... quite demoralizing to say the least.

Everyone congratulated me afterwards, especially a group of friends who had sneaked in to watch without my knowledge. While I smiled and shook hands, on the inside I was conflicted. All that work put in to the report, to the presentation, to the last year of effort, only to receive yet even more criticism... I don't know. It didn't help when a few of the senior lecturers had even more feedback to give the following day. Nor does it help that my supervisors criticize my every step on a weekly basis anyway. Am I even making progress? What if I my results never actually lead to anything? Am I simply out of my depth and not cutout for academic pursuits? The doubts were forming.

I guess I am just taking it too hard for no reason, and that I should still feel proud for completing such an important milestone. Criticism is built into the academic culture really, so I should be used to it by now. Which I am. I certainly did not go into that presentation room expecting a standing ovation at the end (although, you know, it wouldn't hurt).

In a way I guess it kind of further highlighted to me the enormity of this journey, where despite your best efforts your work still isn't perfect, or anywhere near complete, nor will it perhaps be truly any of those two. Is this just one of those moments that you are meant to pick yourself up and learn from?

In light of the above I have decided to take a few weeks break from PhD at the moment, just until I can recover a little and get my mindset sorted. For a while I was questioning even continuing on... something I have still not truly decided upon yet. We shall see.

Upcoming PhD confirmation

This coming February will be my official 1-year mark of my PhD, and as expected the time has absolutely flown. As I alluded to in my last post my one-year PhD Confirmation is coming up in a few weeks time, something that is required of all PhD candidates and is a fairly significant milestone of the journey.

To complete your Confirmation you essentially have to show convincingly to a panel of members that after one-year of candidature you have:
- A relevant motivation and background research

- Identified a meaningful way to contribute new knowledge to your chosen field, either by filling a current gap in knowledge or enhancing existing knowledge

- Expressed your research objective and questions you plan to answer

- Detailed a methodology on how you plan to actually answer your research questions

- Estimated and planned a timeline on when all this will take place

This will be presented in the form of a report, and then a 20 minute presentation to the panel. Yay! Due to my extremely poor time commitment skills, combined with my uncontrollable tendency for perfection at times, my report was about 5 days late and way longer than required. I woefully underestimated how long it would take to complete, originally thinking I could do it within 4 or 5 days, when in reality it took more like 11. In the end my supervisors still aren't 100% happy with it despite my best attempts to be as detailed as possible and the fact that I added much more detail than I ever intended.

Negatives aside, it was actually one of the best experiences of my PhD thus far. I mean that honestly too. Submitting late wasn't a big deal, and the less than stellar review by my supervisors is nothing new either (they critique even the best written research papers so I can never win anyway). In the end the late nights were worth it, as I ended up creating a report much detailed than I intended, and while it may seem like a waste of time as the report did not need to be so detailed, all this extra information can now form a good basis for my first few chapters of my thesis. This start on my thesis is something I wouldn't have accomplished if not under the threat of the report deadline.

But the most beneficial outcome of having my Confirmation in a few weeks is that it forces you to clarify your entire research, from the motivation, to the questions, even down to a estimated timeline of how your remaining years of candidature will progress. All this is now in a document that I can refer back to in later months, I now have a clearer definition of all my research, and I actually have a brief idea of the direction I am going to take over the next few years.

I originally viewed Confirmation as a drag. It took so much time away from me, time I thought I could be spending doing more on my literature review, or even on other work I need to do. Now that it is written... well I guess hindsight is a jerk.

My presentation isn't for a few weeks so I have some time to prepare my slides, but I am going into it much more confident than before at least.