Well as mentioned in my last post I was preparing my report and presentation slides for my upcoming PhD Confirmation... which I have now completed! But, all is not as pleasing as I thought it would be.
As my last post alluded to, the report and presentation slides required for my Confirmation were quite substantial, taking up a considerable amount of time and effort to complete. In hindsight I now concede that it was actually quite an invaluable experience as it forced me to really clarify my research much further than I had previously.
After much preparation the presentation day finally came, and thankfully I presented very well indeed. I believe I spoke quite clearly and concisely, my slides looked good, and by the end the audience (of around 20 people) appeared to comprehend my research quite well despite not being in the same field. I got the usual round of questions afterwards; some from researchers questioning some of the technical aspects, some from random people who simply seem set out to ask the trickiest question that they can think of in an attempt to put you on the spot, and then a few from the panel members. Overall I answered quite strongly (except for one question), and I felt pretty good about the ordeal.
Following question time came the feedback from the panel, which while was mostly positive, there was of course some constructive criticism they wanted to share. For some reason hearing them critic my work hit me quite hard. Really hard actually. The criticism wasn't even that damning really, it was mostly about scope where they felt that as it currently stands I risk running out of time, therefore they requested that I narrow my research down and clarify my planned methodology further. Yet despite the fact that criticism was to be expected, and that the criticism that I did receive was fair and I certainly still passed the Confirmation process, for some reason it just felt... quite demoralizing to say the least.
Everyone congratulated me afterwards, especially a group of friends who had sneaked in to watch without my knowledge. While I smiled and shook hands, on the inside I was conflicted. All that work put in to the report, to the presentation, to the last year of effort, only to receive yet even more criticism... I don't know. It didn't help when a few of the senior lecturers had even more feedback to give the following day. Nor does it help that my supervisors criticize my every step on a weekly basis anyway. Am I even making progress? What if I my results never actually lead to anything? Am I simply out of my depth and not cutout for academic pursuits? The doubts were forming.
I guess I am just taking it too hard for no reason, and that I should still feel proud for completing such an important milestone. Criticism is built into the academic culture really, so I should be used to it by now. Which I am. I certainly did not go into that presentation room expecting a standing ovation at the end (although, you know, it wouldn't hurt).
In a way I guess it kind of further highlighted to me the enormity of this journey, where despite your best efforts your work still isn't perfect, or anywhere near complete, nor will it perhaps be truly any of those two. Is this just one of those moments that you are meant to pick yourself up and learn from?
In light of the above I have decided to take a few weeks break from PhD at the moment, just until I can recover a little and get my mindset sorted. For a while I was questioning even continuing on... something I have still not truly decided upon yet. We shall see.
